This sonnet (untitled) was written on 19 June 2002. That makes it eight years and two days old, by my reckoning.
Never again the satin-shrouded screen
that hides away through rosy, silken views
the light, quick-fading beauty night imbues
with loans of loveliness, which I have seen.
The view's divine, but is it real? The green,
rolling, inviting plains and vast grey hues,
of oceans yet uncrossed, like unworn shoes
that stand awaiting feet. The past has been
a serpent to beguile me, as they swear
it did one time before. So now I must
remove whatever was deceiving me.
For now I see whatever specs I wear
distort the view, as if defiled with dust,
and I must stop myself believing me.
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Nice rhymes :) xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks 'anon', hehe ;) xxx
ReplyDeleteNice imagery. Love the allusion to rose-coloured glasses. The line 'unworn shoes/that stand awaiting feet' is beautiful, and evokes strong emotions as well as images. You do a good job with the structure of your poem, and the enjambment you use works well with your style of writing. I think the only thing that bugs me is the 'loans of loveliness,' it jars the poem instead of letting it flow. Yeah, I'm weird, I know.
ReplyDeleteLovely sonnet. Write more plz!
Thanks so much for your comment, Vicky! I've written quite a few sonnets so I think I do better with that form than with most others, and this is one of my favourites of the sorry crop I've written. I'd forgotten about the shoes line till I went back and reread it this morning and I'm glad you like it, because I'm quite proud of it!
ReplyDeleteSeveral things I'd change about the poem if I were writing it in 2010 instead of 2002 as a naive nineteen year-old, and I think 'loans of loveliness' would be one of those things. You're right. The alliteration was a bit tokenistic and if I rewrote the poem now I think I could easily find a sharper, less lazy phrase.
Thanks once again for your thoughts on it - they really are much appreciated :)
Oli,
ReplyDeleteI must say impressive work! Question...did you at first write the sonnet then edited so that it fit into the rhyme and rhythm pentameter? I cannot mentally 'set up' a sonnet. I have to work it out like an algebraic equation. After reading your last comment, I agree that the symbolism of the work may change depending on the date the work is written. I must say I am enjoying my visits here Oli, I will be back to comment more :D
Thanks AIDY, I really appreciate your comment - and it's a good point you make about setting up and working out a poem as rigidly structured as a sonnet. I must say I wish I could claim that I worked it all out before (that's probably what 'proper' poets do!), but I tend to have some half-formed notion of the last line, and then have somehow to get there without deviating from the rhyme scheme (the above poem was one of the less disastrous efforts). I think with this one I had an idea for the last three lines and so had to try to set up the preceding three lines so they'd seem naturally to arrive at the final tercet. Difficult stuff!
ReplyDeleteThanks again for taking the time and trouble to read my poem and also to comment. I'm going to check your blog out now :)
Oli, visiting you will never be a task! I think your work is fascinating! I am really inspired by your work. Perhaps we can have a collaborative on a 'tit for tat,' I had a project I wanted to work on with another poet...sorta like the poems of old where two lovers corresponded via letters and poetry. A thought. What do you think? A series perhaps?
ReplyDeleteWow, that does sound hugely exciting! I've not done a collaborative project like that before. I can't promise anything since I haven't written much poetry for quite some time, so I may be a little rusty; but I can't deny I am interested.
ReplyDeleteFantastic! :D
ReplyDelete